It's time.....

I don't want it to be time, but I really think it might be. 

If you have read some past entries, you know I tend to think in song, I blame that on the autism. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but in my mind, I have a constant playlist going. When one person crosses my mind, though, the tone of the playlist changes. 

I think it's telling that the two main songs are ballads. One a sort of power ballad, and one a reflection on the state of things. 

Aranda's Satisfied is the first. I could dissect it line by line but I think the overall message of the song is clear and what's important. Are you satisfied how it came and went? How can you ever deny all the things I said? How can I ever regret all the things I did? That just wouldn't be good enough for you. 

I'm not going to feel like I'm not good enough for you any more. Why else are things this way? Why else won't you make time? If you feel the way you claim, you make sure to make time, even just to say hi. 

I crashed and burned a thousand times, just to be your friend, but you gave me nothing in return.... 

That's the power ballad, especially the acoustic version in my mind. 

The other song? It's a Bobaflex cover of Sound of Silence. 

I think it's telling that all there is from your end is the sound of silence. I feel like I'm talking to darkness. 

I opened up to you in ways I haven't opened up to another woman. I trusted you. But it seems like I can't tell you things anymore. I can't tell you what we have discovered. I hinted at the type of year I have had many times, told you outright that I needed you, that I needed to hear from you, when we found out everything I knew, everything I believed, was a lie, I needed to know you were real, your feelings were real. I got silence. 

You said you loved me, and I know how I feel. But I don't feel like I can turn to you when I need you. I can't tell you of the horrors and torment, the abuse and the results. I can't turn to you to be a calm in the storm. 

When I needed to be selfish and needed you.... I don't need to finish that thought. It pains me to think like this, to know what it means, and to know the response. Yes, I am calling the validity and reality of "us" into question. If you had taken the time to even chat a bit you would know I don't know what's real and what's not anymore, so much of what I knew was a lie. I am horrified and upset knowing I have no idea how you would react to what we now know.  Maybe you are not the woman I thought you were, and it's probably not even your fault, it could have all been part of one game maker's evil, sick, twisted game he called fun. 

If the idea of you is all part of the game, I know I must release those thoughts with the rest of the ideas, thoughts, and mental programming. 

I think I will always love the version of you I know, be that version the real you or some part of the game. No one can take those sweet moments from me, even if they were created in my mind as an escape from the control. 

If so, I can finally, truly, and fully say, Game Over, and I can begin to fully heal. 

If you are real, and I know the real you, thank you. In a way, the heart break I experienced with you has been a human experience, one I needed, one that taught me I can still feel the normal range of emotions. 

Emotional Release

I was recently talking to someone about releasing emotions, and how a slave might do that, be it stress or anger or anything at all. A slave can release all that pent up emotion in many different ways. How do I do it?

One way I release those emotions is through a cathartic cry. This usually happens during love making, the emotions just come pouring out through tears so quickly I can no longer hold them back. Thankfully, Master has become used to this and knows that when I use that release and shed those tears to release those feelings, all I need is for Him to hold and coddle me, which He does. His gentle, nurturing side is triggered by my tears in that situation, and I do my best not to take advantage of it.

Another way is through a good old fashion orgasm. Sometimes that is all it takes, an orgasm can just release all the stress a person builds up during a day. That instant of orgasmic peak, you can almost feel the stress melting away, leaving you relaxed and happy.

There is always sub space. Nothing can effect me when I am in space, I am floating above the world and all I can feel is pleasure. The emotional build up is just gone by the time I float back. The floating feeling is better than any high I have experienced ever, and when I return, I am relaxed and calm.

A good beating releases pent up emotions, too. Nothing like the violence of a beating to release emotions that can't be released any other way. Before I continue, remember, I am a pain slut, and when I say a beating, I mean a consensual beating in a BDSM situation. Many times I have been strapped to a St. Andrew's Cross or whipping post, or kneeling beside a spanking bench, when the whip cracks or the paddle whooshes through the air, landing with a thud, or a pop, or a snap, against my skin, every lash from the tool forcing me to let go of the built up emotions. I must confess, though, a beating can actually combine orgasm, crying, and sub space all in one act. That is probably why it is so effective at causing a release of all those emotions.

Screaming, crying, moaning, floating, exploding....they all release the emotions a slave might build up and lock away deep down, the emotions we may not show, or may not allow to come out to interfere with our service, or the emotions that we may feel are not submissive-like. Every submissive or slave needs an opportunity to let those emotions out once in a while, we need that release, just like anyone else does.

Slaves are not emotionless robots. That would make life boring. We just take our emotions and process them differently, we take the emotions and figure out how to show them in a way that positively effects our service. The release allows us to purge any emotions we can't deal with, we don't know how to deal with, and we just lock away to deal with later.