If you have read some past entries, you know I tend to think in song, I blame that on the autism. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but in my mind, I have a constant playlist going. When one person crosses my mind, though, the tone of the playlist changes.
I think it's telling that the two main songs are ballads. One a sort of power ballad, and one a reflection on the state of things.
Aranda's Satisfied is the first. I could dissect it line by line but I think the overall message of the song is clear and what's important. Are you satisfied how it came and went? How can you ever deny all the things I said? How can I ever regret all the things I did? That just wouldn't be good enough for you.
I'm not going to feel like I'm not good enough for you any more. Why else are things this way? Why else won't you make time? If you feel the way you claim, you make sure to make time, even just to say hi.
I crashed and burned a thousand times, just to be your friend, but you gave me nothing in return....
That's the power ballad, especially the acoustic version in my mind.
The other song? It's a Bobaflex cover of Sound of Silence.
I think it's telling that all there is from your end is the sound of silence. I feel like I'm talking to darkness.
I opened up to you in ways I haven't opened up to another woman. I trusted you. But it seems like I can't tell you things anymore. I can't tell you what we have discovered. I hinted at the type of year I have had many times, told you outright that I needed you, that I needed to hear from you, when we found out everything I knew, everything I believed, was a lie, I needed to know you were real, your feelings were real. I got silence.
You said you loved me, and I know how I feel. But I don't feel like I can turn to you when I need you. I can't tell you of the horrors and torment, the abuse and the results. I can't turn to you to be a calm in the storm.
When I needed to be selfish and needed you.... I don't need to finish that thought. It pains me to think like this, to know what it means, and to know the response. Yes, I am calling the validity and reality of "us" into question. If you had taken the time to even chat a bit you would know I don't know what's real and what's not anymore, so much of what I knew was a lie. I am horrified and upset knowing I have no idea how you would react to what we now know. Maybe you are not the woman I thought you were, and it's probably not even your fault, it could have all been part of one game maker's evil, sick, twisted game he called fun.
If the idea of you is all part of the game, I know I must release those thoughts with the rest of the ideas, thoughts, and mental programming.
I think I will always love the version of you I know, be that version the real you or some part of the game. No one can take those sweet moments from me, even if they were created in my mind as an escape from the control.
If so, I can finally, truly, and fully say, Game Over, and I can begin to fully heal.
If you are real, and I know the real you, thank you. In a way, the heart break I experienced with you has been a human experience, one I needed, one that taught me I can still feel the normal range of emotions.
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