Missing.......

It may seem like I have everything, like there really can't be anything important missing from my life, but there is. I can't get angry or upset with Master for not noticing it, or if He did notice, He didn't bring it up. But, now, I realize what it is.
I realized it last night while processing the weekend, while decompressing from it all. I know now what was missing, or, rather, who was missing.
I had a sort of sexual reawakening over the weekend, experiencing something I have not had for 11 years, and I realized last night I was missing something, still. I was missing my soul mate, the one person who knew me better then I knew myself, the only person who was truly able to look at me and tell if I was hurting or if I was ill. The one person who could tell by looking at me that I had "fun" the night before and demand to hear every detail, the one man Master would not mind me getting naked in front of besides a doctor.
I was missing P. He was always like half of me, he was always there, always the one who stood up for me, even to myself, when i needed it. He was the one who would give me a good swift kick in the ass when I needed it too. When I realized my sexuality, my preference for BDSM and my role, he was the first one I told, because I knew he would accept me, encourage me, and love me no matter what.
The last thing I told him about myself was that I was in love, that I was getting married, and that he would approve of the Man. He died happy for me, with a wish and a prayer that I had found the happiness he had with J, that the new Man would not hurt me, physically or mentally, he died knowing I was happy.
When Master and I made the change to being poly, P was the first person i wanted to tell, but he was gone, I could only whisper into the shadows of memories, hoping and praying he got the message. When my sister S joined our family, again, I wanted to tell P that we were involved with a lovely girl, that i have a sister I can trust, but again all i had were whispered prayers on shadows.
Then, yesterday, I realized, I can still talk to him, I can still tell him everything, all that is on my mind, all that is happening, all that I have wanted to tell him, everything that I would send on a soft breeze Heavenward, I could tell him. We communicated the best and the easiest when we were in each other's arms, when we were on the edge of ecstasy, when we were in the thralls of passion, when we were the only two people in the world. So, I danced. I spoke to him in my mind while the muscle memory took my through the motions. As silly as this may sound, I actually felt his hands all over me, felt his body pressed against mine, felt his heartbeat, his breath, even the brush of his hair against my skin. Why did i not think of this years ago?
It felt like I was in his arms again, the passion evident in his eyes, the love etched on his face, the respect and protectiveness evident with every muscle twitch or quiver.
It felt like I was home again, sharing everything with him, a simple look or glance being enough to convey all the feelings and emotions that pass between us.
In my mind I was able to communicate with him, talk to him about what happened this weekend, about my feelings and thoughts about this new adventure and this new relationship.
I am so happy I found a way to bring him back into my life, almost back from the dead in a way. I found a way to tell him everything I wanted to say when I couldn't be at his bedside when he breathed his last, everything I wanted to say when they laid him to rest. Well, everything but the anger I felt towards him for leaving me.
I feel I avoided sub drop, avoided the sinking feeling I occasionally get when Master leaves again, because I was able to talk to P. And, in my mind, I heard his replies, heard what he would have said, what he would have thought of S.
I sorely missed you, P, and I will always love and cherish you. You were my first love, and always will be in my heart. Thank you for, once again, being there for me.