I am afraid I am not a very good sub at times. I know my faults, but I don't always remember them, and it seems, I forget them when it is convient to me. This should not be. I should not forget my weaknesses just so I can get what I want. I should, however, remember them when with Master. It pleases Him when I am obedient, when I listen to His rules, and when I work on my shortcomings.
One of the jokes is that I have the libido of a 15 year old boy. I like to blame the hormone imbalance for that, but, when does that stop becoming a reason and start becoming an excuse and a crutch? There are times that libido comes in handy. Master likes that I can be ready for Him without any notice. But, it also gets in the way. There are times when I am insatiable. And it is annoying, and does cause a lot of arguments between Master and I, because I may want sex but He is not in the mood for it. Do those "libido of a 15 year old boy" jokes and comments hurt? Yeah, sometimes. But I burry that and try to take the opportunity to better myself, maybe then the jokes and comments will stop. I make jokes in return, as a way to deal with the hurt or to prevent Master from having to make them. They don't hurt as much when I make the joke.
Another weakness I tend to not pay attention to is being oushy when I want something. I tend to hound and hound and hound until I wind up getting what I want. What kind of submissive am I if I constantly have to get my way? Master prefers well behaved submissives, yes, but that imp in me just won't go away. Does it hurt to know, deep down, that the only reason I got what I wanted, be it sex or cuddles, is because I hounded until I got it, and it became either give in or argue? Honestly, it does. I don't know how to work on this. I have tried, unsuccessfully, in the past. I guess I need to figure something out before my pushyness costs me everything.
I know I have to work on my patience. When I want something, I want it at that moment, no matter what anyone else says. I want things most submissives, slaves, or property have to earn, but I want it without earning it. Could that by the reason Master doesn't use the belt any more? Because He knows I want it, but I don't act the way He wants? It is just, sometimes, I feel like He will never know what I want if I don't beg for it every time. I thought the begging every time was getting to Him, turning Him off, so I stopped begging and asking all together, and still no change. How can I do it? How can I tell Him what I need without seeming like I am trying to top from the bottom? Or without seeming like I am too pushy?
Have I told Master how I feel about all of this? Hell no. They are issues I need to work on myself. The best way to get the libido jokes to stop and therefore end the feelings I have when the jokes are made? You guessed it, get my libido under control and back off.
I feel myself starting to be pushy with my sister, as well. I don't mean it, it is just something that happens. I don't want my pushyness to ruin this new relationship.
I guess I just needed to get all that out. I need to figure out a way to work on these issues without troubling Master or my sister. They are my issues, and it is my job to get them figured out and under control, not someone else's.
I can see your line of thought, but I also think that perhaps you do need to share your struggles, regardless of what they are, with your Master and sister.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is an issue you need to work on your self, BUT perhaps they might have a few helpful suggestions.
Perhaps you could keep a "Things you Desire" list in a notebook, and when you add an item to the book/list, your Master might be willing to write in next to it what would be required of you to earn it...
For example, if you desire a belt spanking... His expectation of you to earn it might be, for one solid week, you do not ask for the belt at any time, aside from placing it on the request list, you keep the kitchen completely cleaned up and organized, and at least 4 out of 7 days of the week, you cook a full supper (not a soup and sandwiches type meal)
That way, you know he has seen and heard your request, and you know what is expected of you to earn it.
You don't need to continue asking or being pushy about it, and you can keep track of how hard you are working to earn and be worthy of certain "gifts".
Does that make sense?