Am I really?

I have a reputation within the community. Ask most people in our local community and they will tell you I never use my "safe word." At this point, I don't think I even know it any more. 

Part of the reason I don't use it is because using a safe word in public when Master is the one conducting the scene is, in my opinion as a slave, topping from the bottom and telling Master He doesn't know what He is doing or what is good for His girl. 

The other big reason is the reason I have been feeling like a bit of a fraud. You see, I have a rare condition effects my ability to feel and process pain. When I feel the caress of a whip, even a whip others call "stingy" like the horse hair whip or the single tail, all I feel is a "thud" from the tool. So, in many ways, all whips are thuddy whips to me. 

I don't know what pain, real and true pain, feels like, so I can't tell when I have had enough or what is too much for me. I have no concept of my back being torn to shreds by a razor whip. I have no concept of muscle fatigue or cramps if in a bondage position for too long. 

Being with the right Master is imperative for me. One who can tell when I have had enough, one who knows when I have been in a position for too long, one who knows how to prevent long term damage. 

This condition is why I don't need after care that treats the area where I was whipped, flogged, or otherwise sessioned. It's why I don't administer after care to others. I come up with excuses to avoid that. "I didn't do it to the person so after care isn't my responsibility" is my favorite. I also avoid sessioning people for the same reasons. To me, every whip is a thud, so I have no clue how a whip might really feel, so I can't throw it accurately. 

I have made adjustments, made excuses, and gone about daily life. Most people do not know I have CIP. But, I am not a pain slut. You can't be a slut for something you can't feel or don't know what it is. 

So, I guess it is time to abdicate the title of extreme pain slut. 

A Confession

I have something to say, and I need to publicly say it. I am not perfect, I am by no means above reproach, I am human. That being said, there is still no excuse for what I have done.
Anyone who has read this blog in the past knows we are in a poly relationship with my former girlfriend. She stopped all contact for some unexplained reason, we have no idea why, but she did. Master was hurt by this, and I saw how He struggled with it. I saw how it made Him feel. I hated seeing Him feel like that.
So, to try to ease the pain, to try to help Him, I betrayed Him. I went and pretended to be her since March when she did this to us. I did try to contact her by the only real means we had, email, since she never gave us another contact form.
I did seek out the advice of another Dominant I know. I asked him what he thought I should do. He was the Dominant who trained me back when I was first with her. He was the one who broke me for her, the one who did not return me to her after he broke me. To him, I am still the living legend of submission.
I convinced him to help me find a way to end the relationship with her without hurting Master too much. This is a Dominant who is selfish, but loyal. His integrity has never been questioned by anyone in the D/s Lifestyle and circle she and I used to hang out in.
He helped me deceive Master into thinking my sister wanted out of the relationship. He came up with the reason, that she did not know what she wanted anymore, and wanted to take some time to think about it, to see if she wanted to continue being poly, if she wanted to continue being a D/s submissive or if she wanted to be vanilla.
We played it out and Master discovered the ruse. He connected the proverbial dots. He has every right to not trust me, He has every right to want to kick me to the curb. I hope He does not. I have begged Him to give me another chance to earn His trust back. I have begged Him to give me a chance to prove to Him that I want the marriage to work out.
He said He does not know what He wants to do right now, which I think is better then what He originally said, which was He had half a mind to put me on a bus back to my family and turn my collar over to this Dominant. I don't want that. I want to try to fix this. In the 8 1/2 years we have been together, we have been through too much to give up now.
What hurt more, though, was when I asked if He still loved me, He said He didn't know right now. That hurt the most. When I was doing what I did, I really did not think He would loose His feelings for me. I know He was more then likely speaking out of hurt and anger, and He may feel differently in the morning, but I just don't know right now.
He has said over and over, nothing is real anymore, He has been hurt, lied to and betrayed by the one person He thought He could trust, His wife.
I would give it all up to hear Him say He loves me again, to hear Him say we can work through this. I have told Him, and I am saying it here, publicly, if Master decided that He wants to go completely vanilla and work through this, I will gladly do it, if He wants to go 100 times more strict D/s and work through this, I will do it, if He wants to go completely Gorean and work through this, I will. I will do whatever it takes to work through this.
I hope He feels we can. I have been numb and cold since this all happened. In trying to prevent Him from being hurt, I have done something I swore to myself I would never do, hurt Him even more.
And, toy, if you are reading this, I am only human, I mess up also. I may not be the best one to look up to right now, but this is not normal for me. I would be honored to train you, I would be humbled if you allowed Master to tell you what happened and to continue working with you.
Sir A, please contact Master. He would feel better about all this if you explained yourself to Him. Right now, He thinks you were trying to convince me to return to your stable, which I have told you I do not wish to do. So, please, even if it is just to explain yourself, do so man to man with Master, please.
Master, I am sorry. With every fiber of my being, I am sorry. I did what I did to protect You, to prevent You from being hurt, and it backfired on me. I am sorry. I love You with everything that I am and all that I ever will be. Please, Master, forgive me and allow me to work toward making this right.
I don't want to be the Living Legend, it is too much pressure, too many people looking over my shoulder. I give it up, I offer the title of Living Legend up, I would trade it and any other title I have ever held or been given, any and every award or trophy I have ever won in any facet. I would surrender all of those for just one word from Master. I would give it all up and never mention it again if Master would just call me slave again. If He would just allow me to try, allow me to return to His good graces, allow me to fight for what is ours, what was harmed by my betrayal. I love You Master.
Please, Master....