Sometimes.....

It was ages ago, but sometimes it feels like yesterday still. I don't feel the physical things. You see, that's the thing with CIP. The chromosomal mutation that prevents me from feeling pain like a normal person is probably what allowed me to survive. 

But, CIP does not prevent or block the mental and emotional pain from the abuse. In some ways, I feel the anguish from that more than a normal person. Combine the CIP and the touch of autism and you have a relative recipe for mental disaster. 

Most days I'm fine, the past stays locked away in the proverbial Box of Ordin and it can't be opened without the other two boxes, which have been entrusted to the two men who have helped me through this. But other days.... 

Master has ordered that I disconnect from that time, that I associate it all with their creation, the one that died in April 2001 when I escaped. And I do disconnect most of the time. 

But, there are times when I am thrown back there, and the mental and emotional pain hits me like a ton of bricks. I do my best to hide it, withdrawing into myself, an easy thing to do for an autistic person, fighting the old demons. 

Everyone deals with their demons differently. For some, they can not escape, and the only way they see to stop the demons is to end themselves. I am genuinely sad for those people. That they don't feel like there is any light in their world. But, I do have light in my world. So stopping the world is not an option I ever considered, not even in the basement. I knew there was happiness for me at some time. 

I try to hide when the pain is too much and I need to withdraw. I don't want Master to think I am disobeying Him by letting it get to me. But even I can't be strong all the time. The emotional and mental scars are deep and I am just now, a decade and a half later, starting to process and deal with them. I can only hope I will someday be able to fully be over it, that I will be able to get on with my life and not be scared of the shadows around the corners.