I have been thinking lately about the actual people who make up a poly relationship, how they each think and feel, how they react to different ideas, how they all interact. This could be because of the success of our current situation, or it could just be as I become more involved in the poly community.
I am, for the sake of this entry, a primary female in a polyfi triad. I am the legal wife in the relationship. I am using these terms for the sake of this entry, but in our relationship, the terms primary and secondary don't enter the conversation. My Sister, or the other female in our relationship, is not less than me, she is not seen as lower, her opinions, wants, and desires are not seen as less important than mine, she is simply newer, the emotions and bonds are still being formed and strengthened. But, like the rest of this blog, this entry is about my thoughts as the "primary" partner in a polyfi triad, how I see both Master and my sister, my thoughts on our relationship, how I see poly, and my thoughts on poly, all rolled into one.
The main difference that I can see between my sister and I would be time. While she is newer to the relationship, I have had 10 years with Master, and we have been through all the things a marriage can go through in 10 years. We have had the time for those bonds to form, for those emotions to develop.
When entering a poly relationship of any kind, the partner who is involved with the newer member more, we will call this partner A (in our relationship, A is Master), needs to remember that, while He may be devoting a lot of time, energy, and attention to developing this new relationship, He should not forget to continue paying attention to His "primary" one with "B" (in our relationship, I am "B"). Master has been very good about this, which is important, and one of the reasons our poly relationship has been able to work.
Extra phone calls, longer discussions, asking more questions, answering an and all of my questions, little things like that are outward signs that, even though He is spending so much effort and time establishing this new relationship, He is still cultivating the change in our relationship with the addition of this extra person.
These little moments have always been very special to me, they were the very basis for the foundation of our relationship when we were establishing those bonds He is working to establish with my sister (she will be C in this entry). That is why He knew that continuing with them, and even increasing the little moments between us would be a way for Him to reassure me that our relationship is still very important to Him.
Him doing these little things also reduces the jealousy. Jealousy is a human reaction to any relationship being "threatened." It is human nature to feel some sort of jealousy when the person you love begins to fall for someone else. As a poly woman, I am able to take those feelings and use them in a different way.
I would be a liar if I said I wasn't at least a little jealous watching their emotional relationship develop. I have turned these feelings into the feelings of privilege and honor. I feel it is an honor to be allowed to see my Husband develop these feelings for another from the outside while still being on the inside. I get the privilege of seeing them interact, seeing the way He was when we were still getting to know each other, and I can gain a new respect and appreciation for the little things He did while we were establishing our relationship.
I can also use that jealousy as a tool to get to know her, and to establish the relationship between she and I. Those feelings can spark thoughts of what I might want to learn about her. A way I deal with this jealousy? Establish something that she and I can do together without Him, something nonsexual that we can do one on one. For us, this is "Sister Day," which has been the day after He leaves or the day that He does leave (since He leaves early in the morning). Sister Day can be anything from a shopping trip to hanging out and going to lunch, to acting like girly girls and doing something to pamper ourselves. I, personally, think this bond between person B and person C is very important in a poly triad, especially if person B and C are not working on developing their own romantic relationship.
On the other hand, though, while giving A and C the room they may need to develop their relationship and strengthen their bonds, B needs to remember to speak up when she feels she needs more attention. While telling my sister that she needs to tell Master if she needs more attention for any reason, I realized that, at least in the past, I have been very bad about that. I wouldn't tell Master that I needed extra attention or that I was feeling neglected. I still feel myself doing this, not speaking up when I need the attention. Speaking up like that allows Master to have no questions about what is going on with me or with my sister. Before getting angry that He hasn't picked up on the fact that I needed Him, or that I wanted to talk, or that I was going through a bad sub drop but He didn't take care of it or pay attention to me or make me feel needed/wanted/loved, I need to tell Him how I feel first and give Him the chance to do what needs to be done in each circumstance according to how He knows I need things handled. And, if how I have needed something handled for the last 10 years has changed because there is another person live and in person now, I need to tell Him this.
We don't have a lot of the issues other poly's do when it comes to living arrangements or who is going to sleep with whom and in which bedroom because of His job so I really don't feel I can comment on those issues, at least not until either He is home every night and/or He formally asks my sister to move in with us after we move out of this house.
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