Feels.....

Ever since I have become more open about having CIP, people have asked me what I feel and what I don't feel. Some of the questions have been more polite than others. 

The truth is, though, I really don't know. Asking someone who has never felt real, skin-deep pain to describe what they feel is like asking an Old Order Amish person to explain Internet web coding. I don't know how to describe it. 

I have heard others use words like stingy, sharp, stabby, burning, etc. I have used those words to describe tools myself in the past, but I was going on what others have said the specific tool or others like it feel like. 

The best way I can describe what I feel with most things is either pressure, like someone is simply pressing on my skin (usually a grab feels like that). I also feel a slight thuddy feeling with floggers. Not enough of a thud to hurt or cause the numb feeling or the tingles I have heard some people express. 

I do feel some deep muscle twinges and aches sometimes. From what I understand, what I feel as a muscle cramp is enough pain in "normal" people to cause them to black out from the pain. I did black out once from pain. I had a 4 inch long deep muscle tear in my abdominal muscle that was bleeding into itself. That bleeding is what caused the black out, not the pain. The doctor practically had to force me to take the pain meds so my body could heal. 

There are, I think mysteriously, specific places I do feel what I think is skin-deep pain. My nipples come to mind. I feel what I have been told is probably a sharp sensation when they are bitten or pinched. I know I flinch when this is done, but its a good flinch. I feel a thud from being slapped on the rear, but not a the sting I have heard others describe it as. 

I also have trouble with my body temperature. I often feel hot, even if it is chilly out. I am the last one to feel the need for a coat when it's cold out and usually I will just put one on when others do just to keep myself from getting sick. It's important for the water heater to have a max temperature on it or I will scald myself in the shower without realizing it. I think it is the reason, no matter how hydrated I may be, I have issues when it is hot out and I need to seek shelter in the air conditioning; even in the winter I have a fan that blows on me at night. 

When I'm cooking I have to pay extra attention to what I'm doing because I can cut my fingers without realizing it until the counter is bloody, or I can burn myself and not realize it until it blisters. These are precautions I have always taken, even without realizing it. CIP is also why I can get a bad sun burn without knowing it until I look at it. Even then, I don't feel the burn, I feel nothing until it begins to itch when it heals. 

While, yes, it can be cool and everything to say I'm one in a million, that I have this chromosomal mutation that so few people have there is not even a support group on the Internet for it (I looked), it can be dangerous. I don't really tell many in the lifestyle about it because it can lead to people trying to take advantage of it and wanting to play rough and harm me because they can't hurt me, or ignore if I use my safe word because I can't feel the pain. And if that happens, Master won't be happy, lol. 

So, why post this? Why "come out"? Why speak so candidly? Well, people have asked and I want to answer, and I think being a voice to make my small circle aware of CIP and that, even though I'm indifferent to pain, I am still a person and I still feel emotional and mental pain. Also, I can put the difficulties into words here. I can speak about how I realize that the things I have always done are for a reason. I can reassure myself that, while very few have this rare mutation, I am not the only one and I can still function like a regular person, because I am a regular person, I'm just this also. Yes, Master reassures me all the time, but sometimes I need to remind myself. And, finally, I have the luxury of general anonymity here, so it's easier to be so candid. 

 

Am I really?

I have a reputation within the community. Ask most people in our local community and they will tell you I never use my "safe word." At this point, I don't think I even know it any more. 

Part of the reason I don't use it is because using a safe word in public when Master is the one conducting the scene is, in my opinion as a slave, topping from the bottom and telling Master He doesn't know what He is doing or what is good for His girl. 

The other big reason is the reason I have been feeling like a bit of a fraud. You see, I have a rare condition effects my ability to feel and process pain. When I feel the caress of a whip, even a whip others call "stingy" like the horse hair whip or the single tail, all I feel is a "thud" from the tool. So, in many ways, all whips are thuddy whips to me. 

I don't know what pain, real and true pain, feels like, so I can't tell when I have had enough or what is too much for me. I have no concept of my back being torn to shreds by a razor whip. I have no concept of muscle fatigue or cramps if in a bondage position for too long. 

Being with the right Master is imperative for me. One who can tell when I have had enough, one who knows when I have been in a position for too long, one who knows how to prevent long term damage. 

This condition is why I don't need after care that treats the area where I was whipped, flogged, or otherwise sessioned. It's why I don't administer after care to others. I come up with excuses to avoid that. "I didn't do it to the person so after care isn't my responsibility" is my favorite. I also avoid sessioning people for the same reasons. To me, every whip is a thud, so I have no clue how a whip might really feel, so I can't throw it accurately. 

I have made adjustments, made excuses, and gone about daily life. Most people do not know I have CIP. But, I am not a pain slut. You can't be a slut for something you can't feel or don't know what it is. 

So, I guess it is time to abdicate the title of extreme pain slut.